Week 223: Attempting Reentry

Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco.

Question: What drink is often followed by a shot? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Chateau Lafite Buttafuoco.

Question: What wine comes with a Flavor Straw? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Answer: Larry, Curly and Moses.

Question: Who are three circumcised guys? (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

This Week's Contest was suggested by Chuck Smith of Woodbridge. Chuck doesn't know he suggested it, but he did. Chuck ordinarily does not deign to suggest contests. It would be beneath him; it would be like Paul Prudhomme whipping up some Rice Krispies treats. However, the other day we looked behind a cabinet here in the Style Invitational treehouse, and we found a piece of paper. It was a lost entry by Chuck Smith, from the Week 215 Jeopardy! contest. We had never read it. It included the splendid answers above. This persuaded us it was time to run our second reentry contest. This contest supposes that we never see some of the best ideas you have: that they occur to you after the deadline has passed, or after the results are published. So, this week's rules: You may submit entries to any past contest, so long as you never submitted them before. First-prize winner gets a piggy bank made out of a can of Spam obtained in Korea: One side is printed in English, one in Korean. This has a value of $20.

Runners-up, as always, receive the coveted Style Invitational Loser's T-shirt. Honorable Mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Winners will be selected on the basis of humor and originality. Mail your entries to The Style Invitational, Week 223, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071; fax them to 202-334-4312; or submit them via Internet to losers@access.digex.net. Internet users: Please indicate the week number in the "subject" field. Entries must be received on or before Monday, June 30. Please include your address and phone number. Winners will be announced three weeks from today. Editors reserve the right to alter entries for taste, humor or appropriateness. No purchase necessary. The Faerie of the Fine Print & the Ear No One Reads wishes to thank Dave Curtis of Ijamsville for today's Ear No One Reads. Employees of The Washington Post and members of their immediate families are not eligible for prizes.

Report from Week 220,

in which we asked you to answer any of the winning Dumb Questions from Week 117. Many people said that the "A" in UVA stands for "alcohol." To the question "What do they do with the candy cobs?," many people said they are used in "gingerbread outhouses."

-- Third Runner-Up: Are you sure that is a UFO behind the comet?

Have I ever steered you wrong? I mean, besides that castration thing. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

-- Second Runner-Up: Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right?

I dunno. How much money do you think it would take to get him into the casket? (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

-- First Runner-Up: Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug?

Yes sir, we have a new improved version. It is this watermelon-size suppository. The man takes it. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

-- And the winner of the Beldar Conehead doll:

Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related?

Actually, they are married. But I hear it is on the rocks. (David Kleinbard, Silver Spring)

-- Honorable Mentions:

What does the "A" in UVA stand for?

Well, the U is for University, so the V must be for "of" and the A for Virginia. It's in Latin. (Russ Beland, Springfield)

It doesn't stand for anything. It is just an old trick to get your name in the phone book before your competitors. This way they show up before the University of the Virgin Islands. (Kevin Cuddihy, Fairfax)

Do you think Mike Nesmith might replace John if the money was right?

Oh, sure. Like he's gonna desecrate "Last Train to Clarksville" with a move like that. (Bob Dalton, Beaumont, Tex.)

How much can Mike afford? (Mike Connaghan, Gaithersburg)

Why doesn't it tickle when I tickle myself, but it hurts when I stick a fork in my eye?

You are obviously using the wrong fork. (Judith Martin, Washington; J.F. Martin, Hoover, Ala.)

Did people in the olden days realize what fuddy-duddies they were?

No. They were too busy chasing the whippersnappers off their front lawns. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

Does this crack come with a money-back guarantee?

C'mon lady, I'm a married man. I'm just tryin' to fix your sink trap here. (Peyton Coyner, Afton)

Are Ice-T and Ice Cube related?

I think you've got them confused with Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

No, but they come from the same block. (David J. Sherer, Chevy Chase)

Do I, like, have a shot at boinking you?

Sorry, I don't believe in mating outside my species. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

No, I am saving myself for Tom Witte of the Style Invitational. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

If a hole in the street is a manhole, is a hole in a man a streethole?

Yes, and I wish streetholes like you would stop asking if they have a shot at boinking me. (Mary Lee Fox Roe, Mount Kisco, N.Y.)

How many rejection letters from colleges do you think Chelsea got?

UNLV turned her down because she was under 6 feet 8. (David Genser, Arlington)

If Kevorkian is such a great doctor, how come his patients keep dying?

That's not true! They only die once! (Bob Garber, Fredericksburg; Don and Josh Juran, Rockville)

Excuse me, does this pharmacy carry that "date rape" drug?

No, but if you look in the liquor aisle, you will find some generics. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

Doesn't it count that I was thinking of you the whole time?

No, it doesn't, Pee-wee. (Joel Knanishu, Hyattsville)

Why should we spare you the questions about who is buried in Grant's Tomb and why you drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Because the Czar has the greatest sense of humor in the world, and presides over the last true meritocracy. His time is not to be wasted with unoriginal spewings from lazy minds, except for the old "Why are animals made of meat?" question that has been banging around the Internet and that Dave Ferry slipped past him. (Sarah Worcester, Bowie)

Next Week: SONG SUNG BROWN